Hell Hath No Fury Like a Breadloaf Scorned, Part 1

Hey.

This morning I realized I had ran out of bread. I really, seriously needed a sandwich, and, as you probably know, bread is an important ingredient of this rare delicatessen. So, no surprise to anyone, I put on my jacket, grabbed a 5 pound bill and went down to the shop. I went in, got a trolley and proceeded quietly to the bread section. I got my bread (specifcally, one packet of Giant White Baps and one packet of Healty White Bread Slices), and then I noticed that right next to that section was the berries section. Doing a quick calculation in my mind, I realized that if I bought the bread now, I was very likely to receive a 2 pound coin as change, which cannot be used in washing machines. I needed to buy something more to avert the 2 pound dillema, so I went over to the berries section and got a pack of blueberries. This purchase would yeld a more acceptable change.

So, happily I went over to pay for it, and got in line. At this time, I was holding in my hands the bread and the berries. I noticed that this guy behind me was eying me and scanning me with his eyes all over the place, and I was like WTF. The woman behind him was doing the same.

"Why?" I asked myself. Then suddenly it occured to me. It was very likely that these people were like "Look at that guy buying bread and berries. He must really be into these two foods."

That is NOT true. I only eat berries occasionally and bread... well everyone eats fucking bread. I was being misjudged by these shopgoers. Something had to be done before they went home and told people about this.

Once again I was in a veritable crisis. I want to say that the horrible deeds that I did after this were fed by panic. I never would do something like this normally... but I was just really hungry. I guess hypoglicemia had something to do with it.

Well basically, I grabbed a table knife from the knife section (which was right there) and took the till woman by surprise, holding her at knife point.

"Nobody move!" I said, "I want you all to get on the floor, hand above your heads. Do not fucking move or this poor woman gets it!"

I was shaking. They could see that I was afraid, but I had to go on. I knew there were security cameras and I knew someone was probably calling the police right then. A million horrible images of death and pain flashed through my mind. Visions of many trials, family members crying, the absence of sandwiches and really dirty unprotected prison sex.

The situation was dire. I did NOT want to be raped by prison inmates. I had to do something. I was knee deep in this shit and I could not do anything wrong. I had to explain the situation to the other people in the shop. And so I began my speech...

"Listen... I didn't want to do any of this. I'm not a murderer. I just really love ploughman's sandwiches. And I don't want the world to think I'm obsessed with some kind of... abnormal feeding choice, like berries and bread. I don't eat berries and bread. I don't think I've ever had these foods together, at least not by themselves. You understand, right?"

They all nodded together... like sheep. They weren't being truthful. I knew that inside their minds, the concept of me eating bread and berries every single day still raged like a terrible seastorm. Suddenly, I heard it. The sound that I had feared. The sound of police sirens and those really seriously awesome skid sounds that the cars make when they brake really fast, like in the movies, man that's so awesome I wish I could do that with my car, but I'm scared I'll scratch it on the sidewalk side... thing, you know like one of those tall sidewalks. I mean WTF. I don't even have a car though, but it would be cool.

They got on the megaphones and started asking for me to come out with my hands up. NO fucking way I was going to do that. I was bent on either getting my sandwich and convincing these people of my innocence in the bread and berries scandal or dying in the attempt.

TO BE CONTINUED