Beer goggles work!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26205250?GT1=43001

It turns out that if you drink beer UR GAY!!!11

Seriously, if you drink beer you will have sex with everything, every single thing you see. Like, if you see... hmm let's see. Let's assume there is a truck going by, on the street. And you're drunk. Well, in this case, due to the beer goggles effect, you will instantly proceed to have sexual intercourse with the truck. You will attempt to approximate the location of a vagina, and most likely pick the exhaust pipe as a suitable candidate. But of course, the truck is moving!

You get squished under the wheels, your skull cracking and eventually splitting apart into a few bloody pieces on the street, and it will look totally gross... no women will like you anymore.

That's what happened to me, and it totally made me stop drinking. Unfortunately, they had to put my skull back together, but didn't find all the pieces so they used part of a sea otter's head. It's really gross.

So don't drink. MSNBC said ur gay if you do... so...

Greasy doorhandles!

So I woke up this morning, and I went down to eat and stuff. I'm a parasite. So I attempt to enter the kitchen, but as I grasp the door handle, I feel this... icky, squishy, greasy substance on the surface of the device.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Clear evidence that old people are living in this house. Old people never wash their hands. Everything they touch is pure grease. The fridge door handle, the cupboards, the counters... everything! Wash your hands! And the knives...

The knives are never clean. I don't want to get in there and try to cut off a piece of mellon or something only to find that the knife has 2 day old dried meat juice stuff on it, a remnant from the cutting off some animal just a few days ago. I hate you Romania. There are supermarkets now.

I occasionally (almost never) wash the dishes, but when I do, I make them fucking sparkle. But when old people do it, it's like they don't notice that they're leaving dried bits of disgusting food on the surfaces of the plates. And I put them back in the sink so that someone will wash them again, but I just get the inevitable question, "Why did you put it back in the sink? Is my cleaning not good enough for you? Why... when I was your age......"

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they can't really cook... I tell myself that old people can cook because they've been around for so long, but they mess up just as much or even more than we do. At least over here, they can't cook. I don't want to eat that stuff. And Romanian traditional quisine is extremely horrible. I occasionally enter the kitchen to find intestines and stuff lying around, mostly around Easter. At least we don't slaughter a fucking pig every Christmas now, like we did a bunch of years ago.

And why is eating so important to these old people? You must eat ALL. All must be eaten from the plate. Fuck you, maybe I've had enough. Is it not morally acceptable to not eat everything in the plate? I am a grown man now, mommy-kins!

And since when is pizza not food?

WHAT YOU'RE EATING PIZZA AGAIN? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO EAT FOOD?

Must I go over the specifics? Do I need to explain in extreme detail exactly what food is? Food is anything that you eat for nourishment. The "food" class does not only contain the members related to disgusting home cooked soup.

Why do we eat that liquid thing? It's horrbile. And over here they let it coagulate and it evolves into a horrible traditional food called racitura, which is... well... horribly disgusting even from a distance. It's like an automatically failed check against Fear, it just keeps you away. Some soups are good though... the nonexistent ones.

If it were up to me, I would eat falafel for the rest of my life. Man, that stuff is so good... it gives me a boner just thinking about it. Mmmm yeah, falafel mmmmm!!! Uhhh UHH UHHHH!!! *spurt*

But whenever I see that racitura stuff I reach for my flamethrower. It deserves to be nuked from orbit.

Henry, singing off.

The NIA is awesome.

I decided to stop doing pretentious made up philosophy and focus on a real, palpable subject. The NEURAL IMPULSE ACTUATOR, by OCZ. OH MY FUCKING backslash/!111!11!

Just listen to that title. NEURAL IMPULSE ACTUATOR!!! Allow me to add a "fucking" in there. NEURAL FUCKING IMPULSE ACTUATOR. I am now going to post the description of the object. Are you ready? I'm writing pasting it now. Here it comes...

OCZ’s Neural Impulse Actuator (nia) marks a new era in gaming. Rather than being a substitute for a mouse, the nia is a pioneering new peripheral to be used in conjunction with your mouse for a more immersive gaming experience. The nia is compatible with any PC game using keyboard input… past, present, or future. Predefined profiles included with the software allow the gamer to develop their own nia—memory to launch the desired behavior of their character and shoot with the “blink of an eye”, without lifting a finger.

Play Games Using Biosignals
Translate electrical biosignals of your body directly into computer commands and take advantage of total immersion into game play. Customize behavioral profiles of your character and let your subconsciousness take over.

Hone Your Reflexes
Where others have to practice reaction times, you can use reflex-based game play to get the better of your opponents by cutting your reaction time by 50%.

Use Space-Age Technology
The headband uses carbon nanofiber-based sensors to provide the highest possible dynamic range for the recording of bioelectrical signals that are amplified and digitized and further de-convoluted into computer commands.

Become Your Character
Streaming biopotentials into the computer and witnessing real-time feedback through the game will result in a novel way to experience virtual reality. Enter a virtual world where abstractions like keyboard commands are replaced by intentions converted into tensions and translated into command structures.


















OH MY FUCKING FSM. Holy crap it's a mind reading device OMG!1~ OMG! And it allows you to play video games with your mind! Like... FOR REAL.

Notice I am typing occasionally in ALL CAPS. That's how awesome this is.

Kidding. It's not that awesome. Actually, from what I've seen and read, it's quite imprecise. But seriously. It's a NEURAL IMPULSE ACTUATOR THING.

It would probably be too imprecise for proper gaming, but I am planning to adapt it into a MIDI controller, perhaps to control my pitch and mod wheels or other parameters while composing and programming MIDI. And soooooooo cheap. $149.99.

Must buy, must buy. Must use NIA to dominate world.