Stupid bullcrap.

Hello again,

This is Henry Gale from Minnesota, and I just woke up feeling even more pissed off at the human race than usual.
Today we are going to talk about music, magic and stupid bullcrap. This morning I woke up, got on a cab to an undisclosed place, and then immediately took the same cab back home. Why? So that I could hear the idiotic music the driver puts on and also indulge myself in more trivial crap that he babbles on about. Every single day I go to this undisclosed place. Every single day at 8:00, I get up, I fill up my suitcase with stuff and I take a cab.

And they always put on music on the radio. Here's something that was playing on the radio this morning. It went something like this:

"I like the way you move/when the Sun goes down."

And I was instantly like WTF.

I thought to myself, this sentence is incorrect. First of all, the whole song relies on an external presence that is referred to in 2nd person. This presence that is derivative of the lyrical self is not presented specifically as dynamic, moving. Yet this stereotypical Jamaican wannabe still says that she moves. Now how am I supposed to know that? Am I supposed to trust some random, strange Jamaican? No thank you. Until I see a specific lyric provided by the author that states that the person is moving, I will consider it to be in a neutral state. Neither moving nor stationary. It could be either way, in some universes she (or he?) is moving, in others this person is stationary.

Second of all, this hypothetical, potential movement is not given any parameters. We do not know in what direction and at what speed the movement is occurring. I am led to believe that as soon as the Sun goes down, this man's girlfriend begins to shake uncontrollably in all directions, slowly splitting apart and showering him with internal organs and blood.

Also...

The song depicts the Sun as going down. Bullshit, the sun doesn't go down, it stays put. It's the Earth that is moving around the Sun. It's you that's going down bitch. In fact, you're not going down at all, you are orbiting on an elliptical path.

Now it's this kind of song that lowers everyone's IQ and makes people believe that the Sun is going down.

Here's more crap:

i feel you...
in every stone
in every leaf of every tree
you've ever grown

Now, first of all, I just copied these from a lyrics site. Notice how crappy it is written, with no capital letters and no punctuation aside from the stereotypical ... that people type when they want to express teenage angst.

Now... let's start the analysis. First of all, the word "to feel" is ambiguous. Is this a tactile sensation? If so, how is it possible for someone to feel something in a stone, let alone in every single stone on the planet? Do you even know how many stones there are on the planet? Lots of fucking stones. And what stones? Are we talking metamorphic, volcanic or sedimentary? Because they have different properties and they would most likely transmit this "feeling" differently. Somehow, this leads me to believe that the lyrical self is tripping on acid, because sometimes acid makes you feel like you are one with other objects, or in this case, rocks.

And wtf with the last two lyrics. Every leaf of every tree you've ever grown? Then we are led to believe that the loved on in this song is an ecologist, planting trees? Is this song an ecological statement hidden beneath crappy lyrics? Hmm... maybe if I get someone to plant trees, then I too will feel shit through stones. That would be fucking trippy.

Here are some seriously fucking awesome lyrics for you to compare:

Eyes of Heaven's reign
Rise of the pageant
Sense the mortal truth
Reach eternal life, through Osiris' eyes

Immortal empire of this land
Deceived by own men's hands
Gods of supremacy race
Claimed the throne again

That's fucking awesome. It's fiction, nothing less or more.

It's fiction because it has the word Heaven in it's first row. And of course Heaven is fictional, as depicted in the most deadly, most ominous, boring yet inspiring fictional writing yet. The Holy Bible.

But we'll leave religion for another time, and focus on something close... magic.

There's no magic... there's no fucking magic in real life. Seriously, I sincerely wish it was possible for me to go around casting Fireball at people but... it doesn't work. And I've tried it. At many moments in my life (just as in yours, if you're a no-life like me), I found myself staring at coffee cup or something, concentrating intensely, thinking... "I'm going to lift this coffee cup with my mind."

And for a second there, I am convinced it's going to work. How awesome would that be? I start daydreaming about what would happen if I did manage to lift the coffee mug. Suddenly I would be famous... physicists would be stunned, doctors would study me, I'd be all over the news, magic would be real, and I could go around casting Bigby's Crushing Hand at people.

But then my dreams are shattered. The coffee mug just sits there doing nothing.

That's because there is no fucking magic. And because of this, there are no curses, and chain letters don't work, and homeopathy doesn't work, and there are no ghosts, there are no spirits or wraiths or demons or apparitions, dowsing doesn't work, acupuncture doesn't work, Ninja's can't throw blue balls of energy and David Blaine can't really levitate. And we're stuck with daily trivial shit. I fucking hate this planet.

As a kid, my parents told me that blue eyed, Eastern European old hags have the ability to cast evil eye on you and make bad stuff happen to you. I was scared shitless. And they said the only way to prevent it is to cast a counter spell. You know what that counter spell is?

Well there are a number of variants:

1) Scratching your ballsack.
2) Saying "I'm wondering about your ass."
3) Wearing your underwear on backwards.

And from the moment I heard about this evil eye shit, every time I saw some blue eyes old woman looking at me, I went "I'M WONDERING ABOUT YOUR ASS!!!".

But then it hit me. There's no such thing as evil eye. Why? No hags...

There are no Eastern European old women living in cottages in the forest that have a boiling pot of magical potion in the middle of their living room. Old women are smelly and move slowly. A lot of them develop Alzheimer's or Parkinson's or other debilitating stuff, so they can't even think straight. There's no way an old woman that has a movement speed of 2 ft/round, with an almost nonexistent concentration skill could possibly cast a spell on me. So now I don't say "I"M WONDERING ABOUT YOUR ASS!!!" anymore. And now people won't think I have Tourette Syndrome.

Here's more stupid bullcrap.

There's a mass e-mail circulating around that says that on some date Mars will be viewable in the night sky, and it will appear as big as the moon.

WHAT?

WTF THAT'S FUCKIGN AEWESOMEE!!!111

This is what I thought when I heard this e-mail like 7 years ago, and I had no idea that if Mars appeared as big as the moon, it would probably flood the Earth, kill billions of people with Earthquakes and turn your ass inside out with it's gravitational pull (that's anal prolapse, bitches).

Also, the message always states that this is a one in a lifetime event, a MUST see. Yet the e-mail reappears every year. More crap.

You know what I hate most about this mass e-mail? It causes mass bullshit. Everyone will say "OMG I SAW MARS IT WAS AS BIG AS THE MOON", because they don't want to look like idiots because they didn't see it. And everyone else will say the same thing because no one wants to look like an idiot, and so everyone says they're seeing a big honkin' Mars.

THAT IS CODSWALLOP.

There's no moon-mars, no magic, no evil eye, music sucks ass, you can't feel through stones, your girlfriend is not an ecologist, the Sun doesn't go down and taxi drivers talk too much.

See ya.

Sick!

Hello guys, this is Henry again.

I am sick now. I'm sitting in my front of my monitor surrounded by countless, unending pills and sprays and applicators and other sinister devices, and I find myself thinking to myself... this sucks ass.

Have you ever said to yourself "gee I hope I don't have a tumor on my spine..."? No? Well it's something that crosses my mind daily. I am what you would call a hypochondriac.

Slight stinging pain in my right leg? Obviously has to be an infarction.
Slight cramp in my left arm? HEART ATTACK.
And constantly, even when contemplating my future, my hopes for a wonderful existence get smashed by the presence of thoughts like "Wow this is going to be great... I just hope I won't need a massive hip replacement". Cause hip replacements aren't that great. Nobody wants a hip replacement, right? Well neither do I, but the possibility of a major accident and multiple fractures just won't stop bugging me.

You know what is ironic? I don't think I've ever had anything more serious than a cold. At the same time, I know that my entire system is slowly shutting down, my balls are probably atrophying right now due to varicocele, I'm slowly developing M.S. and I have an undiagnosed neuropathy or neurofibromatosis. Let me tell you something, you are never, ever safe. Stop worrying about stupid shit like serial killers and hurricanes, your body is killing you right now. You are dying, as we speak. There's nothing else you can do, actually. What is at the end of this potentially short journey on Earth? Death... so if that's what you're heading for, than you are dying right now. But really death should be the least of your concerns. There are tons of nastier stuff than eternal painlessness and freedom from bullshit.

Take ALS for example. That's amytrophic lateral sclerosis. It's the kind of disease that slowly takes away your ability to move anything but your eyes, until you are a fragile existence, stuck inside the prison of your own body, with no way to communicate or scream, or ask people to kill you. And people won't kill you. Why would they? And you would be silently screaming for it. Forever... and ever... ever.

But hey, there are beautiful things in life. Like love!

Here's one word that sums up how beautiful love is:

Syphilis.

It's probably not as nasty as ALS, but still enough to turn physical love into lifelong torture. At least for syphilis there's a cure. A penicillin injection. OUCH.

And here's a few more concepts that probably never crossed your mind if you're a layman:

Chest-tube. It's a tube that they stab into your chest if you have a collapsed lung, while you're still breathing and trying to scream. And this happens often.

Testicular Torsion. You're playing football, the ball hits you in the crotch, you're okay for 20 seconds and then you realize that something's wrong, as you scream in horrible pain. In a little while the doctors are going to cut one of your balls off.

Being impaled through the abdomen by a huge metal spike. Let's say you're playing football, and all of a sudden you get impaled through the abdomen by a huge metal spike. You will probably try to take it out of your distorted, bloody torso while your team members watch in horror, but when you take it out, all of a sudden, your liver, small and large intestines and other internal organs spew out. At this point you will probably try to put them back in but that's no good, all the blood vessels get twisted around, and your stomach gets strangulated by your large intestine, which also begins farting loudly and everyone starts laughing at you for farting. Also your aorta suddenly explodes and you get blood in your eyes. You know how it takes like a minute to stop rubbing your eyes after a liquid gets in there? UGH.

Choke to death. You are eating some olives or something, and one of the olives gets stuck in your neck. A daily occurence right? WRONG. This particular olive has a particularly pointy kernel, and suddenly, as your esophagus contracts, the kernel stabs you in the neck... from the inside out. Now someone at the table tries to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you, but it only makes it worse, now the kernel with part of the olive still attached escapes into the space between your lungs. The kernel travels down to your bladder, and stabs you in it, and suddenly you have peritonitis and other shit. Also, the kernel manages to get into your bladder, and somehow it travels UP one of your ureters, and causes a renal colic, and now you have to be on a low protein diet for the rest of your life. Oh, and also you die lol.

These are the things I think about when I'm bored and BSG isn't on.

A while ago, I thought about enrolling to ALCOR, to be frozen if I get close to death. But then I realized that I fucking hate ice, it's too slippery.

And seriously, there's a next to zero (that's really fucking close to nothing) chance that I might ever be revived again, and I will exist as frozen meat for the rest of all human existence. While everyone else is either cremated or buried and then decomposed by bacteria, I just sit there doing nothing and taking up space on this planet that will probably be super populated by then anyway. It'll probably be so super populated that many people will be stuck crowd surfing all their lives, and then people will have to carry around a crowd-surfing frozen meat thing. Of course it's not dead yet, so respect still applies, you know how they say braindead people can still recognize familiar voices. I'm not sure how well sound moves through ice though, it might end up being pretty muffled and I hate muffled sound. I want nice, cutting mids and screeching highs in my audio, thank you.

Fuck ice. It completely ruins audio fidelity, and it keeps people alive for centuries taking up space.

OH SHIT I think I'm having a subdural hemorrhage, accompanied by extreme pain and loss of vision on one side, and also I just lost a super awesome hard-on I had. Time to go to the doc.

See ya.

We want more lava pits...

Hello World,

This is Henry Gale from Minnesota, and I've decided to get people to realize that there aren't enough fucking lava pits. And I think that sucks, I think we should build some damned lava pits here and there so that idiot assholes can drop into them now and again. I mean when you play some video game there's usually tons of pits of boiling, steaming, killer lava that will end you instantly when you fall into them, and that's great, I mean it's really good for diversity. You walk down the street let's say, you see Starbucks, McDonalds at every corner, banks, shops...

BUT WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE LAVA PITS?

I think it's time to make a petition. I think it's time to tell the god damn government that we want lava pits right now, because lava pits are fucking awesome. Think of how much shit lava pits would solve. Capital punishment... lethal injection, electrocution? FUCK THAT throw 'em in the lava pits. That'll teach them to mess with people who build pits of molten metal. Cause people who built lava pits are undeniably fucking awesome. Heating your house? You got flowing lava around everywhere, no more need for central heating.

So now you see why we need lava pits. Our society is going to hell and if you ask me we really need a good, new, fun pastime like trying to jump over lava pits without falling into them. Obviously, falling into them is deadly, but hey, less fucktards!

And you know what else?

Rivers of acid... rivers of nice, fatal acid flowing around. You don't see that in real life, that's why I trust video game producers more than real city planners because they know how to set up a good lava pit or acid river. And furthermore it would be a good defense against terrorist cells in our country, they'll be getting the fuck out of here screaming "Shit these guys got lava pits, I'm outta' here". Go back to your sand caves you god damn pussies... don't mess with lava.

Of course lava pits have a bad side to them... I mean besides the killing and the burning there will be tons of idiots suddenly going "Hey that's not lava, that's magma!".

FUCK YOU IT'S LAVA!!11

There's no such thing as magma pits, it has to be lava. Magma sucks ass, it's all crusty and not fluid enough to melt people instantly while they scream in pain. Magma is for pussies who can't stand having their organs melted by searing high temperatures.

Actually, you know what would be fucking awesome? A whole city built over a pit of lava. Man that would be sweet! That would be really seriously uber awesome. Maybe with some anti-gravity mechanism under it to keep it floating over an endless sea of lava. And plasma... yeah plasma. OMG.

So this is what I think America should be focusing on. We'll worry about education and the poor later, build more lava pits! I mean that shouldn't be a problem there's lava everywhere. Build some god damn lava extractors, carry it around in huge tankers... lava tankers omg. I want to be driving and suddenly go "Wow look Danny a fuckin' lava tanker! Now we're gonna have some fun around here!"

Tear down parks and stupid golf courses and lay down some lava.

That's what I hope the future has in store for humanity, and only if we work together as a species will we ever have lava pits...

Henry Gale signing out.