Spore is a steaming pile of crap.

I've waited for this game for years now. It was supposed to be the game to end all games, the final boss of the gaming industry, with amazing technology like animations that adapt to your creature design and unique procedurally generated worlds that you cannot predict. It was supposed to change everything.

I mean, it's fucking Maxis, they have never done wrong, Sim City was amazing (every iteration of it) and The Sims, were a bunch of good, addictive games. When you think of Will Wright, you think of innovation, and awesomeness.

Well, if you've played Spore, you probably don't need to read this, but I really need to tell you how crappy this game is.

First of all, Spore was supposed to be MASSIVE. An incredible accomplishment, a game that simulates the creation of life, and it's evolution from the cellular stage to the stage of space exploration and almost godliness. Well, you can finish it in about 5 hours, and it feels like one long tutorial. For the first few stages, all you will do is repeatedly click on things to kill them and then eat them (or eat shrubbery if you are a herbivore). And you do this again and again... and again and again, all the time gaining new (and extremely boring) new body parts to stick on your creatures. It is extremely boring, and at this part I basically just turned off the game after getting just bored with it. There is nothing else to do, there is no exploration and nothing intersting to see. Most of the creatures that other people made are dick monsters, by the way. I'm really curious how Maxis missed the fact that obviously most people will start off by creating a dick in the creature editor. It's just human nature. I did... my creature was a three shafted shitting dick nipple.

Every stage of the game is like a specific type of game (pacman style, 3rd person style, RTS, empire building, etc), only every stage is very badly detailed, and they dont' come across as very good instances of those styles at all. There are very few things that you can actually do, and for a game that was so hyped up for it's sandbox style gaming, it is VERY linear and very repetitive.

The later stages are absolutely unplayable, you get attacked every single moment and there is no possible way to enjoy the game (I heard they are releasing a patch to adress this). The final stage is just boring.

Even though the game has revolutionary animation and procedurally generated worlds and other tech goodies, the graphics are extremely bland. It feels like it came out 7 years ago. There are ways to create atmosphere and make a good impression even with low graphics quality, but Spore is just ugly on every level of detail. The trees, ground, sky, water are all ugly and bland, the colouring is dull and annoying and the foliage always gets in the way. Overall, it's very unappealing. Great going Maxis. I normally don't give a crap about graphics if the gameplay is good, but Spore is just... well it's so ugly it interferes with playability.

The music is good, at least (You can't go wrong with Brian Eno), but the sounds in the game are pretty annoying by themselves.

And guess what? There is almost zero replayability, since if you start from zero again, you go through all the stages and it plays just the same (you even get the tutorial bits again on every stage), only you can make a different creature. But there aren't that many parts to add to it, and it the end you will still be using the same parts as before (the good ones).

Also, it's almost impossible to make a really cool looking creature, in the end you will always have a googly eyed, either cute looking or goofy looking thing. And if you look at earlier versions of the game, you can see that they made it progressively cuter and cuter, probably to appeal to a younger group of people (children who don't give a crap about evolution or the origin of life or playing God).

Spore sucks.

If you want a good and intelligent sandbox game, go play Falling Sand, ahahaha.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm sure some people would like it though, but I can see why (most people are morons, after all). It's definately going to bring in obscene amounts of cash for Maxis, after leaving us real gamers and Maxis fans all extremely dissapointed. But that's how it goes with games.

Sim City 5 will probably be even crappier.

Kill yourself.

Here is something that I was going to post on a forum, but I decided I really didn't want to get banned AGAIN, so I am posting it here for everyone to see and laugh...

It... is a beautifully personal attack.

So here's how it goes:

I have written a pretty nasty response to the OP, so if you don't want to read it DON'T. There. That was my disclaimer.
I think a grammar and punctuation petition is in order...
How can you possibly hope to start a meaningful petition when you can't even write properly? Hopefully you're still in school, otherwise you should go back there and learn the basics before even posting on a forum. How foreigners can usually speak and type better than native english speakers is way, way beyond me. How is this possible? Were you too lazy to learn proper grammar? We are in the 21st Century and people still can't talk properly. You should have failed at school, but of course they were too kind and passed you anyway and now you flood internet forums with stupidity and naivity.
And in Britain, no less, the land of Oxford and literacy.
HOW?
You are all that is wrong with the world and society. You are what is allowing stupidity to spread and allowing tyranical leaders to get more and more eager followers to invade helpless countries for their oil.
I'm not ripping on you because you can't type, but your inability to perform the simplest of tasks makes it clear that you cannot go beyond simple reasoning.
Your vocabulary consists of the words, "ur gay", "u suk", "youre" and other artefacts related to your stupidity.

You know what? Here is my proposal to you. Go back to fucking school, pay fucking attention so you don't have to fuck the teacher to pass, and THEN come back.

There is another way though... kill yourself, much faster and more efficient.

Yours pissed off,
Henry.

Paris Hilton is extremely smart!

http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/null/104079

Think this doesn't happen? There aren't any statistics available, but these hacks are widely suspected in myriad cases where accounts have been compromised. (Even Paris Hilton is said to have fallen prey to the "what is your dog's name?" password reset hack.

MY GOD

Even PARIS HILTON fell for that!! If even the greatest mind of our century, Paris Hilton, has fallen victim to this horrible, devious scheme, than clearly we are doomed. Very soon, the entire planet will have it's password stolen through the Forgot Your Password sham, and all of humanity will be exposed to the evil wills of black hat hackers!

We are fucked, good sir!

Beer goggles work!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26205250?GT1=43001

It turns out that if you drink beer UR GAY!!!11

Seriously, if you drink beer you will have sex with everything, every single thing you see. Like, if you see... hmm let's see. Let's assume there is a truck going by, on the street. And you're drunk. Well, in this case, due to the beer goggles effect, you will instantly proceed to have sexual intercourse with the truck. You will attempt to approximate the location of a vagina, and most likely pick the exhaust pipe as a suitable candidate. But of course, the truck is moving!

You get squished under the wheels, your skull cracking and eventually splitting apart into a few bloody pieces on the street, and it will look totally gross... no women will like you anymore.

That's what happened to me, and it totally made me stop drinking. Unfortunately, they had to put my skull back together, but didn't find all the pieces so they used part of a sea otter's head. It's really gross.

So don't drink. MSNBC said ur gay if you do... so...

Greasy doorhandles!

So I woke up this morning, and I went down to eat and stuff. I'm a parasite. So I attempt to enter the kitchen, but as I grasp the door handle, I feel this... icky, squishy, greasy substance on the surface of the device.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Clear evidence that old people are living in this house. Old people never wash their hands. Everything they touch is pure grease. The fridge door handle, the cupboards, the counters... everything! Wash your hands! And the knives...

The knives are never clean. I don't want to get in there and try to cut off a piece of mellon or something only to find that the knife has 2 day old dried meat juice stuff on it, a remnant from the cutting off some animal just a few days ago. I hate you Romania. There are supermarkets now.

I occasionally (almost never) wash the dishes, but when I do, I make them fucking sparkle. But when old people do it, it's like they don't notice that they're leaving dried bits of disgusting food on the surfaces of the plates. And I put them back in the sink so that someone will wash them again, but I just get the inevitable question, "Why did you put it back in the sink? Is my cleaning not good enough for you? Why... when I was your age......"

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they can't really cook... I tell myself that old people can cook because they've been around for so long, but they mess up just as much or even more than we do. At least over here, they can't cook. I don't want to eat that stuff. And Romanian traditional quisine is extremely horrible. I occasionally enter the kitchen to find intestines and stuff lying around, mostly around Easter. At least we don't slaughter a fucking pig every Christmas now, like we did a bunch of years ago.

And why is eating so important to these old people? You must eat ALL. All must be eaten from the plate. Fuck you, maybe I've had enough. Is it not morally acceptable to not eat everything in the plate? I am a grown man now, mommy-kins!

And since when is pizza not food?

WHAT YOU'RE EATING PIZZA AGAIN? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO EAT FOOD?

Must I go over the specifics? Do I need to explain in extreme detail exactly what food is? Food is anything that you eat for nourishment. The "food" class does not only contain the members related to disgusting home cooked soup.

Why do we eat that liquid thing? It's horrbile. And over here they let it coagulate and it evolves into a horrible traditional food called racitura, which is... well... horribly disgusting even from a distance. It's like an automatically failed check against Fear, it just keeps you away. Some soups are good though... the nonexistent ones.

If it were up to me, I would eat falafel for the rest of my life. Man, that stuff is so good... it gives me a boner just thinking about it. Mmmm yeah, falafel mmmmm!!! Uhhh UHH UHHHH!!! *spurt*

But whenever I see that racitura stuff I reach for my flamethrower. It deserves to be nuked from orbit.

Henry, singing off.

The NIA is awesome.

I decided to stop doing pretentious made up philosophy and focus on a real, palpable subject. The NEURAL IMPULSE ACTUATOR, by OCZ. OH MY FUCKING backslash/!111!11!

Just listen to that title. NEURAL IMPULSE ACTUATOR!!! Allow me to add a "fucking" in there. NEURAL FUCKING IMPULSE ACTUATOR. I am now going to post the description of the object. Are you ready? I'm writing pasting it now. Here it comes...

OCZ’s Neural Impulse Actuator (nia) marks a new era in gaming. Rather than being a substitute for a mouse, the nia is a pioneering new peripheral to be used in conjunction with your mouse for a more immersive gaming experience. The nia is compatible with any PC game using keyboard input… past, present, or future. Predefined profiles included with the software allow the gamer to develop their own nia—memory to launch the desired behavior of their character and shoot with the “blink of an eye”, without lifting a finger.

Play Games Using Biosignals
Translate electrical biosignals of your body directly into computer commands and take advantage of total immersion into game play. Customize behavioral profiles of your character and let your subconsciousness take over.

Hone Your Reflexes
Where others have to practice reaction times, you can use reflex-based game play to get the better of your opponents by cutting your reaction time by 50%.

Use Space-Age Technology
The headband uses carbon nanofiber-based sensors to provide the highest possible dynamic range for the recording of bioelectrical signals that are amplified and digitized and further de-convoluted into computer commands.

Become Your Character
Streaming biopotentials into the computer and witnessing real-time feedback through the game will result in a novel way to experience virtual reality. Enter a virtual world where abstractions like keyboard commands are replaced by intentions converted into tensions and translated into command structures.


















OH MY FUCKING FSM. Holy crap it's a mind reading device OMG!1~ OMG! And it allows you to play video games with your mind! Like... FOR REAL.

Notice I am typing occasionally in ALL CAPS. That's how awesome this is.

Kidding. It's not that awesome. Actually, from what I've seen and read, it's quite imprecise. But seriously. It's a NEURAL IMPULSE ACTUATOR THING.

It would probably be too imprecise for proper gaming, but I am planning to adapt it into a MIDI controller, perhaps to control my pitch and mod wheels or other parameters while composing and programming MIDI. And soooooooo cheap. $149.99.

Must buy, must buy. Must use NIA to dominate world.

This is the first post in my new dairy.

Dear diary,

Fuck you.



Why would I want to tell you about my day. You don't care. You don't even read my blog. I am all alone in this blog. You know, you can flag my blog. Yup. Flag it, it has like tons of swearing in it. The next person that comes up and reads this: flag my blog. Nobody likes vulgarity right? I must be one sick motherfucker to be swearing so much and talking about mantits and whatnot.



Cause it would be so much simpler for me to just start a proper website. But then it would crash the moment I got more than like a hundred viewers. Right now I would say the only people that read it are people who get here from my messenger list, click on my status and going "whA? I didn't know he was so offensive!". Why the hell would anyone read some stupid blog called Henry's Rant, that doesn't really talk about anything. I must be one sick kid, probably listening to that satanist Marilyn Manson all day and cutting myself.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WANT TO CUT HIM or HERSELF? It goes against... everything.

Stop cutting yourself.

People don't want to hear proper arguments about religion and other things. Every e-mail I've received concerning this blog has completely missed the point of what I'm trying to say. But it's funny, I get a laugh. I know you're all fucked. I'm fucked. We're all fucked together. And now it's 02:27 in the morning and I'm writing this. WHY? Why don't you comment on my blog. Just comment. Type "ur gay" and I will read your comment.

Hey look! This picture is funny! Laugh at it!


















Are you done laughing? Cats are so funny. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I laughed. Man I am so bored right now. Thank God cats exist to relieve our boredom. Oh no... I said God. It means I'm not an atheist. Woops, looks like I revealed my true nature.

And right now I am thinking to myself that 9 out 10 people who have read this far did not get the sarcasm involved. You know, when someone is convinced of something, or when looking for something to prove their point of view, there is no way to defeat them. No way... you can bring on whatever argument you want, they just won't listen and as soon as something comes along that slightly supportes them, they go like OMg seE I TolD you I waS rIght!!!lolol insert internet slang here1!!1337.

11111111111
1 1
1 1 <-------------- number square 1 1 11111111111 Man... this internet is something. Why... why are you reading this? At this point I am basically just rambling. I am half asleep, I can feel my consciousness fading and I am just pouring my train of thought into this text editor. But that's interesting. You know it is... subscribe... Subscribe. Add to favorites. Add to blogroll. Success... peer appreciation... why are you alive right now? Wouldn't you be better off dead? What do you contribute to society? Damn that's a stupid question. Why would anyone want to contribute to society? In the end everything is pointless. If you gave a human the posibility to have sex at any moment, anywhere, all the time, he would stop eating and sleeping. That's all humans want. They just want sex. And they want other people to know about the sex. And it's always these wild stories. Everyone has orgies now, have you noticed that? No one makes sweet, sweet love anymore. Why would it be sweet... it's not sweet. If anything, its kind of salty. I mean, this one chick I asked told me she tasted it and it was sort of salty. AHAHAHAH I MADE A REFERENCE TO SEMEN!!! My father totally like found a seriously brutal two part epic porno video I was keeping on an external drive. Like seriously brutal. Nothing more beautiful then 6 women, completely naked doing nothing at all. Just waiting for penis. And then the penis comes. 6 of them. 6 gigantic, huge, initially flacccid manpoles get in the room and proceed to assram them. That is what my daddy found on my drive lol. I wonder what it's like to see your child grow and go through school, and receive an education and then turn out to be a misanthropic, porn loving, athletically dysfunctional, sexually confusing, sarcastic, weird metalhead that talks about semen on his blog. Let me take this further. I am now going to be... EXTREMELY vulgar. Like seriously, don't read past this point. Have you ever farted out your dick? Like sometimes, when you cum, there seems to be some additional air inside your urethra, and it goes like prrtzzzz. And you're like OH SHIT DID I JUST DICKFART? Ehehehe... I can fart out my dick at will. In fact, here's the interesting thing, I am known for being able to fart from anywhere on my body. You know how some people can do those armpit farts. Well I can do those. But I can also do dickfarts, legfarts, stomachfarts, handfarts, neckfarts, assfarts (separate from real intestinal flatulence), and many others. I have trained myself extensively. How can you possibly still be a creationist and read about me and my farts? Why would a God take his sweet time to engineer my body and make it a perfect fart machine? Why not focus the same energy on... I don't know... showing up and going like "Hey guys I'm real lol". Why do people eat onions? They don't taste good. The answer still eludes me. Now it's 3 a' clock in the morning. And I have stuff to do as soon as I wake up. But we have coffee right? Why are you still reading? I am completely on autopilot right now. I am no longer writing, my hands are typing by themselves. This isn't me typing right now. Henry is an idiot lol. NO I'M NOT! Yes he is lol. HEY FUCK YOU HAND! Holy shitball! A fucking bird just crashed into my window! There's blood everywhere!!! OH SHIT THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME! Okay turns out it wasn't a bird. In fact, there wasn't anything, I just made it up. Thought it would spice things up. Why are you still reading this? I wish birds actually crashed into windows more often. And somehow you keep hearing of that happening but it never seems to. I'd like to see like... an eagle, crashing into my window. Can you eat eagles? I know that nobody is reading this now. But I'm writing it anyway. Nothing impresses me anymore. I feel like I've seen it all, and it's all the internet's fault. And 4chan's fault. Nothing offends me anymore. Nothing, I am completely insensitive to everything. I have seen shitting dicknipples, raep, CP, softpaw, furry porn, yaoi, gore, vore, guro, scat... you name it. If a normal human being had just a glimpse of my mind, they would go insane. But who the hell is normal anymore. And what is normal? I am normal right now. If you don't look at guro, you are not normal. You don't even know what guro is, right? It's porn. Only... with like swords and blood and stuff. And the women get slaughtered and turned into human toilets and stuff. There was this one pic that was totally awesome where this chick was like cut in half, and half of her was turned into a toilet and the other one was still used for sexual intercourse. We like this stuff. Humans thought this stuff up! This is art, dammit. This is the equivalent of Shakespeare, and 100 years from now people will look back at guro and talk about the 4chan period, when humans competely lost touch with preconceptions and racism and homophobia and all that. I sometiems wonder what goes through the mind of the artist making these drawings. Because I know most of them are 15 year old Inuyasha fan girls. What goes through the mind of a 15 year old girl as she tactically rubs her stylus on some drawing tablet, coloring some... three shafted penis or something. Man this is a long fucking post. You know what? I think I'll keep writing. And writing... and writing. It would be a lot shorter if I didn't leave empty lines between paragraphs, though. You are all getting me wrong. I am not criticizing humanity. This is all good! Why is sex so important to everyone? What makes it so essential to everything? I used to think the furry movement was a spirit of the moment, just people who had fun dressing up as animals. But slowly I am realizing... it's all meant to feed some hidden zoophillic fetish that for some reason has actually begun to appeal to me. How can you not fap to antropomorphic foxes? It's so fucking hot, and it's a novelty. It's strange, people want to fuck strange things. There never was a sexual revolution in the 60's. This is it. This is the sexual revolution. Or then again, maybe it started in the 60's, but only now is it in full bloom. But we all get weird thoughts. Everyone gets weird thoughts, even the nicest most innocent person occasionally thinks about murdering someone or raping someone. Cause it's your mind, and no one can find you in your mind, and, law aside, humans have some kind of strange fascination with rape and violence. They just love seeing... the end of life, the end of happiness, innocence being taken away, violated. Take a moment and imagine. Imagine blood and violence. It is refreshing. Why not keep it in your mind and off the streets? And real life is 10419102499 times for violent and bloody than the most violent and bloody gore movie. They make blood look cool in movies, but in real life it is viscous, and dirty. And more satisfying. And there's always a lot more of it. And the injuries are so much more ugly, so much more terrifying. You imagine your familiar, beautiful face, trashed into pieces by some kind of meat grinder, or in a car accident, with your eyes popped out and your scalp torn open, and your intestines rolling down the road. I guess that's why some people cut themselves. There is a point where it becomes pleasurable. Did you ever feel like you were born against your will? You never had a choice, did you? No. And now, it's almost as if you're forced to pay off a debt even though you never actually wanted to borrow life. Especially if you're religious. If you're religious, you are automatically damned as a sinner from birth. How can you come to terms with that? It's impossible. I try to go on, but in reality I know that the world wouldn't be much different without me. And now I have to live as a naked, frightened being inside a fragile, slowly decomposing body. You know that. You think about it every day, admit it. It sucks being human. Our bodies are dirt cheap. Man this is one long post. brb toilet I just love pissing. I try to enjoy my body, though. It's interesting to just... take a deep breathe. Feel the air fill your lungs. It's such a complicated system. Our bodies are constantly moving and doing something, and we coexist with them in this strange, pointless symbiotic relationship. It's like my body is a completely different animal from me, but I have to watch it piss, shit, eat and fuck, against my will. Might as well enjoy it, eh? No one really has proper sex anymore, though, do they? If I had a choice between actually having sex and watching two lesbians go at it, I would choose the lesbians. Do you think I should start a video blog on youtube? I have recorded a lot of videos but I just don't feel I have the proper comedic timing yet. Cause timing is everything. I don't get it, blogger is suggesting a couple of labels for this post and they are "scooters", "vacation and "fall". Are some people actually writing stuff about scooters? Lolol. And falling? Is falling interesting? Vacations are fucking awesome though. Everything is fucking awesome! I love you all! Usually I hate everything but for a moment now I love everything. Every single virus and every single iraqi bomber. And every criminal and rapist and death and pain and suffering and time and aging and religion and darkness and farts and porn and everything, every little thing. So many things... and yet only one planet. This is ALL there is. And we made it all up. For all we know, in this entire universe there are only around 6 billion human beings, and their main focuses are football, cellphones and Miley Cyrus. And we obsess about nothing. We pass laws against things that have no real meaning and we censor things and we prosecute people for saying things... we are so fucking nuts. There is no way you are still reading this. Fuck you dear diary. Okay, that was supposed to be my ending... exit... thing, but I'm still not done. I can't sleep. Do you think I should change the color of my text. Lolol it's slightly yellow now.

Fuck yellow.

BLACK. This text is black. Or rather... brown... african american. I won't say the n word... noooo... I can talk about vore and guro and stuff and nothing will happen but if I say the n word I can get sued or worse. You know, TheAmazingAtheist put this into perfect words in one video. Beautiful women aren't allowed to show their breasts on youtube, but TAA can show his disgusting man titties all he wants and no one will take down his videos.

TAA is amazing. When I found his channel, all I did for a few days straight was just watch his videos. And I still do. I find older videos of his and I watch them and they are so damned interesting. In fact, I think he was the main motivation for my little blog... writing thing. But looking at his little youtube career, it's become obvious to me that it's pointless to talk about atheism, since even he, a person with obvious oratory and comedic skill cannot get a proper point across to headstrong religious people.

BTW, buy his book, Musings of A Subhuman. And if you don't buy it, at least download it as an e-book or something. It's fucking impossible to make money off books today. If you're not going to pay for it, at least give it a try. It's a nice condensed version of his normal youtube ideas.

I am so tired. But I can't sleep. And this post goes on and on and on and on and on.

Speech recognition sucks ass. I'm writing this usurp speech recconnaisance mark year.

Okay it's 4 a clock in the morning now.

And it goes on and on and on. And you're still reading this, obviously.

And really, I don't kno

Argumentless statements.

Fuck you and your pointless statements. Fuck you. YES. YOU. And I mean it when I say fuck you. Right now, some... generic entity is coming over to your location, and will proceed to engage in sexual intercourse with you. Thus, you will be fucked. Fucking will occur, and even the concept of sex itself shall have sex with you. That's how fucked I want you to be if you are one of those people who go like "Greenday sucks", or "Dragonforce rocks."

Why?!?! Why do you think you are entitled to some kind of godly opinion that requires no proof or validation and is just automatically true? You have every right in the world to hate anything you want. I HATE Greenday. Dragonforce. I think it sucks balls, but that doesn't mean it actually does. Is it so hard to just go "I don't like this." instead of "THIS SUCKS UR GAY HAHA!".

And youtube is the best place to experience this phenomena. Go to any damned video and you will see at least one "ur gay" comment. WHY? Have you ever seen the person in question have sex with another person of the same gender? Probably not. Sometimes there isn't even a person in the video and the statement is meant towards... nothing. The video is gay? Does the video have some kind of metaphorical gay butt sex with other videos of the same gender? And normally you would classify this as trolling, but then you go these peoples' channels and they are normal fucking people. And why is it always "ur"? Is it really so hard to NOT act like a fucking illterate idiot? I know why they do it, they do it because most Americans can't tell the damned difference between "you're" and "your", because your educational system is a pile of steaming shit. Even I, a foreigner can talk and write better than the average native english speaker.

And everyone speaks in the same way, on the internet. Or rather writes.

Sometimes I get the feeling there is just one single generic guy that writes all comments, all reviews and writes all the text on the internet.
Some smart guy will probably go off and start saying like "why are you making so much fuss over some internet crap u nerd lol ahaha go fuck ur mother". Well the internetz iz SERIOUS BUSINESS!

Sometimes I stop for a moment and think about wether a comment I'm reading is sarcasm. I think to myself... "it HAS to be sarcasm. No one is this stupid.", but then I remember that 90% of people have no sense of sarcam, and more people and that are just plain stupid.
I've been listening and viewing more and more atheist related videos on youtube lately, particularly TheAmazingAtheist, and... damn, reading the comments on his videos is just so fun. Allow me to review a few, for good justice.

still a virgin, huh?

I wonder why people usually attack someone's sex life as if it's some kind of soft spot that you attack for massive damage. Same things goes for...

ur gay

Wow... how insulting. TAA must be devastated. I would say someone who has the weirdest possible fetishes possible and shows his mantitties on youtube in pretty much every video doesn't even feel the impact of such an empty fucking remark.
Well enough of that, the point is obvious. And me talking about it in my forsaken blog that nobody every reads anyway isn't going to change anything.

Well there you go, I have fuflfilled my weekly quota of blog posts. Now I can focus on things I really care about and things that matter, like football... and girls. Fuck football.

Weee I am so offensive lolol.

Mission accomplished.

It is finally done. Henry is moving to England. I am finally getting out of this shithole.

Hey Romania! Nanananananana! You just got fucked in the ass by me. HAHAHAH!

Oh man I can't wait to get there and just sit there and be all British and stuff and laugh at Romania like the malevolent, evil bastard that I am. Some day, I will bomb it. I will bomb it into dust, and afterward I will fry it with napalm, and then dump acid over it. Then, the plagues shall come, and will consume all who stand against me. And when everything is destroyed and the Romanians are at my knees, I shall be Lord Henry. And from the ashes of post-communism shall rise a new Empire. Henrya. And the Lord of Death, Henry Gale, will send forth his messengers of doom and pestilence and pain and fire and anguish and cornflakes. And he will laugh. I SHALL LAUGH.

AHAHAHAHHA!!!

I have finally realized what I hated most about this place... it's the smell! The stench of humankind, brought to it's farthest extreme of greed and stupidity. If monotheistic human-like robots came over and invaded us right now, I would side with them. Seriously, I would seriously like blow The Earth away, and then use a giant robotic ship that blows things away to blow it away again. And then, LULZ, I would regenerate the entire planet, and BLOW IT AWAY AGAIN! AHJAAHAHAHHAHAJAJAJAJ!!1111one

And I would let them start with Romania. I would slowly fire my lasers at Timisoara, then slowly proceed to the East, and wipe Cluj away. Then I would slowly cut towards the south and destroy Targu Jiu. Then East again to Bucharest, which will suffer a longer exposure to my proton beam, due to an abundence of bullshit. Then, I will fire my Galactic Nuclear Warheads at Costanta (it doesn't matter what city you fire it at, though, since it destroys an entire solar system). THEN, I would track down all the probes that we sent into space, and destroy them, to make sure there is no trace of mankind.

Take that, human kind.

Henry, as TheAmazingAtheist would say, PEACE THE FUCK OUT.

George Carlin is dead.

I'm not going to elaborate on how much of a wreck I am right now because of this, but later I might edit this and spill it out.

Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker and tits, man. Amen. Thanks for opening the way to free speech.

Oh crap.

Hey, time for another hypochondriac post!

So I was just lying down in my bed, doing really awesome stuff, earlier. Then I got a slight cramp. Immediately the words COLON CANCER came to mind. As usual, I began to obsess.

"Oh man what do I do, what if I have cancer? I'll die! No... they have treatments! But surgery? SHIT. Why can't I just go on doing my usual stuff instead of having surgery? WHY WHY!?!"

Obviously, I left a dump and it went away. So... I don't have cancer. But who knows what I might have! I could be coming down with Addison's or something. You can get a sore throat, go "pff who cares it's just a sore throat". So it goes away. Then after a few months you get joint pain, your heart starts to sting, and other crazy shit, and all of a sudden you're getting penicillin injections and doctors telling you they have to perforate your ass with painful, barely viscous drugs to "sort of treat" your Rheumatic Fever that will probably reduce your life expectancy by 30 years.

Sore throat eh? Go to a fucking doctor.

What if you go about your daily stuff and suddenly a fucking bird flies right into your head, stabbing you in your frontal lobe with it's beak. You struggle to get the nasty thing out, but it's too late you start to lose your consciousness. Your brain begins to fuck up, because it has this beak stuck in it. You try to say "omfg there's a bird in my head", but you can't, the words come up all scrambled, and now you have aphasia. Then someone tries to take it out, but germs get in and you get meningitis. Obviously, now they have to do an LP. That's when they stick a huge needle into your spine, that not only hurts like hell, but leaves you basically paralyzed by headaches for a week, and might leave you with arachnoiditis (shit, blogger's spelling check is not even recognizing that one), in pain for the rest of your life. And you can't talk, and tell anyone that it hurts, so now no one knows you have arachnoiditis. All from a fucking bird.

I'm never going out again.

And usually I think of the worst things that could possibly happen.

Let's say... you're just idly lying in your bed... browsing, on your laptop. Nothing can hurt you right? WRONG! Suddenly there's a fucking tornado forming right on top of you. Everyone says OMG RUN IT's A TORNADO!!! And you run, to get down to your tornado shelter, but you realize you don't have one because you live in a small eastern European country that doesn't have tornadoes so no one gave a fuck. So what do you do? You hide in the tub. But of course tornado's aren't afraid of tubs, and you get sucked up, and when you finally land you land right on a fucking fence, and you get impaled through the neck. Now you're bleeding out of your jugular vein, and are hoping to die already. But noooo... suddenly, the tornado hits some kind of particle accelerator lab, and it forms a space time tear, that takes you outside of time and space and you suffer for what appears like an eternity, but are eventually sucked out again. But by now, the world has been invaded by the Combine and Gordon Freeman accidentally hits you with his crowbar, and can't say "sorry" because he doesn't talk, and now you feel offended. Now you are bleeding out of your neck and are also offended. So you kill the bastard, steal his HEV suit and use it to patch up your wound. Now the Combine's after you cause they think you're Gordon Freeman, and you run, but obviously you're not Gordon and you suck ass, so they catch you and turn you into a trans-human.

So no, you are not safe in your own home.

You are not fucking safe. You should always be VIGILENT. You never know when your laptop battery will explode and drive pieces of plastic into your eyes, making you blind, but also causing an infection that spreads to your brain and slowly kills you as you pathetically lose all cognitive and motor functions, while losing control of your shitting and pissing.

Now you wish you didn't even exist, eh?

Sorry, you do. And you're fucked. Sooner or later something nasty is going to happen. Remember me when you're trying to get your mangled, bloody half-body out from beneath a 60's style, really heavy fridge.

Bye.

religion

Hey this is Henry again, obviously. I mean seriously, it says so in the title.

I've decided to finally go ahead and tackle religion today. And now everyone is going to be like "omg that's a sensitive subject omg jezuz lovz u!!!". No he doesn't. In fact, if Jesus, or God or whatever can be characterized by their followers, then they probably hate me, and if we were living two hundred years ago, I'd have angry Christians knocking on my door with flaming torches. Well, maybe not knocking. Knocking it down, eventually, or maybe burning it.
Basically, making this post is pointless, since so many people have already made atheist rants, and there are so many videos on Youtube. Allow me to point you to the following:

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheAmazingAtheist
http://www.youtube.com/user/patcondell?ob=1
http://www.youtube.com/user/Thunderf00t

I just want to point out that I am an atheist.

Now everyone will be like "omg jew", for some reason.

Nope... atheist.

If you are a religious person, I really, really hope that you will someday become an Atheist. But I won't force you, and I won't try to convert you. And I won't argue with you, because religious people are impossible to argue with in the first place. As I have said in an earlier post... I have always wanted to believe in God, miracles, and all that awesome stuff. I wish... I wish that I could believe in God. Why don't I just convert then? Well because it's not fucking... enough. And sometimes I think about how happy religious people are, thinking that there is a God to help them all the time and that Jesus is out there doing shit and helping them out (even though they still get cancer and they still die horrible painful deaths, and they are still jerks). What a bliss eh? Imagine being a Roman. To the Romans, their religion was a reality. There was NO doubt in anyone's mind that the Gods were up there on Mount Olympus, and that there were mystical creatures and everything. If you are convinced of something like that, you are basically living in a different world, it's like you exist in some fantasy novel. Modern religions are the same, it gives you the ability to be care free, it's beautiful, almost ideal (except for the burning part), and everyone is forgiven. Only it's not real. And we atheists are living on the outside of all that, looking back in, seeing where we came from and we notice how trapped all of you are.

Have you seen The Matrix? Contrary to popular (idiot) belief, that movie is NOT about super awesome fighting and effects. It has a deep, deep meaning, and it is the perfect allegory for religion. Religion offers you a perfect world, where everything you ever wanted is possible and you are loved by a higher power, only it's not real, and you are a damn slave, and the Church gets to have it's power. If you were to be introduced to the truth (that none of it is real), you would have a hard time letting go, even if deep within your heart you realized that there is no God. Why hang on to a myth instead of just letting go. Once you are finally out, you will understand so much, and you will laugh at the way you used to live. And I am especially referring to you hardcore, Young Earth Creationist dudes. But, unfortunately, from what I've seen, especially on Youtube, you people are waaay waaaaaaaaay too deep to ever get out. You will die, and in the moment of your deaths you will realize that there is nothing, and you will be sorry that you wasted your lives.

And then there's the people that go "But you are taking Christianity too literally, it's actually a set of rules."

No. If you are saying that, you are not a Christian. And most people are like that. I mean very few people today are hardcore Christians, most people are stuck somewhere in the middle, not wanting to let go and not being atheists either, so when they read the bible they just leave out all the bad stuff and interpret the good stuff to mean something else.

The Ten Commandments... I was raised as an Orthodox Christian, so... basically I am not a Catholic. But our commandments are saying basically the same things, it goes like this:

I am the Lord thy God.... Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images... Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not bear false witness.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, not his manservant, not his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.

Now... there are many interpretations, many versions, but they all mean basically the same thing: Don't believe in other gods, don't have any idols to look up to, don't talk shit about God, respect the Sabbath, love your father and mother, don't kill people, don't steal from people, don't lie and don't be envious of people.

Basically, half of this is bullcrap. Don't believe in other Gods, sounds almost like a threat. Do not bow down to other idols, which means pretty much the same thing (and I don't want to hear any 100 page long theological theses saying I'm wrong, the answer is very simple, they mean the same thing). The third one is pointless since there is no God. Fourth one, just as pointless.

Now. The last commandments. Personally, I don't need a God to threaten me with Hell to make me be good to people. Isn't it fucking obvious that killing people is bad? It only stands to prove that the commandments were meant to keep stupid, primitive people who killed each other all the time in line. We're not primitive anymore, time to let go. There are more religious people killing other people than there are atheists.

I have to admit, if there ever even was a "Jesus", then his teachings were, in the end, good. I mean they got us this far right? But I am just as sure that if this Jesus saw us now he'd be like"oh shit, what have I done". But obviously... there was never a Jesus.

Why? He doesn't appear in any historical, records, bla bla bla, we've all heard it. All the evidence is against him. In fact all the evidence is against religion. Everything. There is nothing... nothing, not one single thing that refutes anything that is written in the Holy Bible or in Christian teachings. Jesus was pretty much passed down from father to son, just like Santa Claus. Are there any historical records saying Santa drove around in a sleigh in the past? No. And nobody believes it because it sounds completely ridiculous. Well let me tell you something. It doesn't sound any ridiculous than what you people believe in. And... ffs, you hate Scientologists, and you hate UFO believers and you hate Otherkin, but none of their beliefs are any stranger than yours. We institutionalize people who see ghosts or go batshit insane and see elves and shit, but somehow people who think there's a mysterious God out there and that a Holy Spirit flies around doing stuff don't get labeled as nuts. Think about it for a little bit. It's just absurd.

I actually know someone that I was arguing with about religion (she is a devoted Christian), and she was trying to convince me that the Earth is 6000 years old, and I couldn't believe someone could possibly believe something like that and disregard every single shred of scientific evidence that proves that the Universe is much older.

But here's the fun part. I went like "what are you insane?" and she said something alon these lines:

The first 7 days, from Genesis, where God makes the world and everything actually took billions of years and that's why it appears that the Universe is that old.

That's the moment I realized that there is nothing for me to discuss with this woman. People like her have even begun to change the Bible itself to fit their beliefs. It doesn't say that in the Bible, face it motherfuckers, it's over, the Bible is wrong, science wins! Stop making shit up. This is how stupid some creationists are.

You cannot be a Christian and at the same time "adapt" things from your holy book, to fit modern science. Even the Vatican, THE DAMN Vatican, has started saying that God loves "ALIENS" too. Fucking aliens. Why? You're ruining your own religion.

I've probably said it before, I've lost all faith in humanity. I don't think we're going anywhere, I don't think we'll ever fix ourselves, the mistakes are piling up, our population is going up, we're getting stupider yet we get more technology at the same time... it's... it's fucking over. I swear, if we ever make intelligent machines that decide to kill us all... I am going to side with them.

But here's a strange question: what if we make machines, and suddenly the machines discover God? Suddenly the machines become religious, having calculated their way to God. In that case, I am DEFINATELY joining the club.

Until then, I am going to bask in my atheism. Don't waste your life. Go... do stuff, because this is all you have. In some way, I am somewhat proud that I got to be a fleeting observer to this... freak show, even for such a small period of time as my life. I have to admit, there are some beautiful things in life. But you are all ruining them. They're almost gone, even love has become nothing more than a race for acceptance.

I'll be awaiting your hate mail and possibly your well constructed debate subjects over email.

See ya.

Animal Cruelty? BULLSHIT!

This is Henry again,

Today I want to talk about how pissed off I am about people who get involved in things they don't understand in the least. This morning I woke up and got my e-mail, and among my mail there were responses to a comment I left on Youtube, to a video about animal cruelty.

First of all, I would like to say that I've been putting on a bit of a show. First of all, I am not from Minnesota, and my name is not Henry Gale. I was going to write about things from the perspective of an American dude that is pissed off about trivial things, often in very exaggerated manner. And that's okay, it was humor, but I realized today that there are many things I'd like to point out to people from outside. I live in Romania. Romania is a country next to the Black Sea, in Europe. It's neighbors are Bulgaria, Serbia, Hungary, Ukraine and the wonderful Republic of Moldova. We don't have Starbucks at every corner, in fact most people don't know what a Starbucks is. We are dead poor. We are fucking poor. We do hard work for meager salaries, our CEO's and corporate leaders steal for their workers, our police is useless, our educational system is corrupted to the bone, we have roma people with katanas running around killing each other, our economic infrastructure is dead, we have no money to fix our roads, no money to get social aid to our poor, we aren't researching anything, we haven't discovered anything useful for a century, our military is crap, our food is crap, our people are racist hateful morons and our music is bullshit.

We persecute Hungarians and imitate Americans (and mix up their culture with turkish stuff). Our traditional foods involve intestines and other disgusting shit, but we mostly eat greasy, carcinogenic potato chips because they are so cool and all Americans eat potato chips. We drink Coca Cola instead of water, we build lamp-posts through balconies and many of our manholes are uncovered. And I'm not talking about sewer entrances.

We have entire packs of stray, angry, hungry dogs running around on the streets. And that's what the youtube video was about. Some Italian, pretentious idiot made a video about animal cruelty in Romania, and how the dogs don't get too much attention, and how we are evil for killing them.

Here's what you don't understand, Fabrizio: we are at fucking war with these dogs. They have invaded our territories and stolen pieces of ground from us. They are sleeping in front of entrances to buildings, and even hospitals and barking at everyone who goes by, and we have to either not go in the building we wanted to go in or waste our time finding some food to lead the dogs away from the door, being bitten in the process. While you enjoy your canneloni al ragu, allow me to explain how bad it is when a dog bites you. As a kid, I got bitten on the face. Get that? My face! Not only do I have a fucking scar on my face, but I could've been left without an eye, or without part of my mouth or something, and not having a mouth sucks ass. But let's leave the initial pain aside from a moment. It is known fact that dogs can carry rabies. I had to have injections... into my stomach. Into my fucking stomach. And tetanus shots that hurt like hell. And rabies is a disease that pretty much turns you into an Infected from 28 Days Later.

And you want to save the fucking dogs. Why don't you come and live over here for a while, and get a taste of what it's like. Once again foreign people get involved in things they don't understand, in other people's countries. And they post stuff like "romanian barbarians murdering dogs". Now I have nothing against calling Romanians barbarians since we've done much worse things than putting down dogs, but "murder" is an idiotic word to use in this context... I would think the correct word to use here would be genocide! If you weren't so busy going to your malls and worrying about animal cruelty you'd agree with it too. Because this situation calls for a little genocide. We've done much more in the past than committing genocide against dogs, this shouldn't hurt anyone, should it? No, it's just part of humanity's daily work. Get a taste of the dark reality, Fabrizio. And get a fucking clue. I am being ambiguous, aren't I? At one point I am agreeing with the murder of dogs, and later I said that it's genocide and that it's horrible. Why? Because it IS horrible. But it has to be done. You can't hide from the things you have to do, and you can't hide from the things you've done and tell yourself that the world is all fun. Try to look past the shield of lies the media and the mundane world put before you, and see that the world is no different than it was a hundred or a thousand years ago. When you will stop giving a crap about your slightly high body weight (fatass) or giving excuses like dyslexia or ADD or making up stupid shit like bulimia and anorexia, you will maybe see the truth.

In fact, sometimes I wish this country didn't even exist. I wish someone bombed the hell out of us with nukes and killed us all. Rid the world of 25 million racists, rapists, murderers and crooks. We seem to have a number of people that actually know what they're doing, but even they have their own hidden agenda, and somehow the media manages to bring out their dark sides (when they don't do news reports about idiot retarded peasants seeing the Virgin Mary in some tree).

So yeah, my name isn't Henry Gale. But feel free to call me whatever you want. You probably wouldn't be able to pronounce my real name correctly anyway.

Aliens versus Predator 2 is a disgrace...

Man I am so tired of hearing people give praise to this pathetic attempt at horror. There is, literally, nothing good about it. The are B-movies that, even though are bad, still manage to entertain. The only thin AVP2 managed to do was give people headaches.
I am going to start by saying that I've always been a big fan of the Alien franchise. Alien always had that unforgiving, dark, atmosphere, and in a time where most aliens depicted in films were fishbowl-headed Martians, these movies introduced something terrifying, something that was invincible. There was genuine fear in those movies, I remember watching them and almost pissing myself from how awesome they were directed.
Now it seems instead of horror we are supposed to feel "coolness". Instead of people on a spaceship (a spaceship tugging a huge refinery no less), who had real personalities, we are introduced to the high-school loser, his unlikely girlfriend and the bullying jocks. Doesn't that ring anyone's stereotype bell? Instead of seeing the Aliens melt people's faces off all the time, we are given a side story about some dude nobody cares about trying to impress his girlfriend, and being bullied by other retards. To this, add a sidestory about some sheriff doing detective work.

I did not give one single unit of crap about the characters. In fact, by the time a half hour had gone by I was playing Supreme Commander and kicking some robot ass.

Oh, but, believe it or not, this movie actually has aliens in it. But you don't see them, since the camera was being held by someone with hands shakier than an old fart using three brains at the same time, all of them affected by Parkinson's .

And it's dark. Remember when Doom 3 came out and the screenshots were just pure black? Well that was a joke. This time it's real.

And why... why did they have to pair two completely different aliens from two completely different series and make a completely different, crappier series? I'm wondering if they did it on purpose to ruin both franchises. Honestly, I am beginning to lose all faith in American cinema... what's the last movie the British made that sucked? NONE. The British don't make movies about high-school kids fighting predators while making out with their "gf's". But in the US, pretty much every movie that comes out is a flop, and there is probably one movie every two years that manages to impress.

Of course AVP2 made tons of cash. I think in the US we should completely drop movie reviews and instead rank everything by winnings, because over here everything wins no matter how crappy or artless it is.

No classic movie is safe from milking. Maybe Obama will do something about it eh?

This is Henry Gale, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.

Stupid bullcrap.

Hello again,

This is Henry Gale from Minnesota, and I just woke up feeling even more pissed off at the human race than usual.
Today we are going to talk about music, magic and stupid bullcrap. This morning I woke up, got on a cab to an undisclosed place, and then immediately took the same cab back home. Why? So that I could hear the idiotic music the driver puts on and also indulge myself in more trivial crap that he babbles on about. Every single day I go to this undisclosed place. Every single day at 8:00, I get up, I fill up my suitcase with stuff and I take a cab.

And they always put on music on the radio. Here's something that was playing on the radio this morning. It went something like this:

"I like the way you move/when the Sun goes down."

And I was instantly like WTF.

I thought to myself, this sentence is incorrect. First of all, the whole song relies on an external presence that is referred to in 2nd person. This presence that is derivative of the lyrical self is not presented specifically as dynamic, moving. Yet this stereotypical Jamaican wannabe still says that she moves. Now how am I supposed to know that? Am I supposed to trust some random, strange Jamaican? No thank you. Until I see a specific lyric provided by the author that states that the person is moving, I will consider it to be in a neutral state. Neither moving nor stationary. It could be either way, in some universes she (or he?) is moving, in others this person is stationary.

Second of all, this hypothetical, potential movement is not given any parameters. We do not know in what direction and at what speed the movement is occurring. I am led to believe that as soon as the Sun goes down, this man's girlfriend begins to shake uncontrollably in all directions, slowly splitting apart and showering him with internal organs and blood.

Also...

The song depicts the Sun as going down. Bullshit, the sun doesn't go down, it stays put. It's the Earth that is moving around the Sun. It's you that's going down bitch. In fact, you're not going down at all, you are orbiting on an elliptical path.

Now it's this kind of song that lowers everyone's IQ and makes people believe that the Sun is going down.

Here's more crap:

i feel you...
in every stone
in every leaf of every tree
you've ever grown

Now, first of all, I just copied these from a lyrics site. Notice how crappy it is written, with no capital letters and no punctuation aside from the stereotypical ... that people type when they want to express teenage angst.

Now... let's start the analysis. First of all, the word "to feel" is ambiguous. Is this a tactile sensation? If so, how is it possible for someone to feel something in a stone, let alone in every single stone on the planet? Do you even know how many stones there are on the planet? Lots of fucking stones. And what stones? Are we talking metamorphic, volcanic or sedimentary? Because they have different properties and they would most likely transmit this "feeling" differently. Somehow, this leads me to believe that the lyrical self is tripping on acid, because sometimes acid makes you feel like you are one with other objects, or in this case, rocks.

And wtf with the last two lyrics. Every leaf of every tree you've ever grown? Then we are led to believe that the loved on in this song is an ecologist, planting trees? Is this song an ecological statement hidden beneath crappy lyrics? Hmm... maybe if I get someone to plant trees, then I too will feel shit through stones. That would be fucking trippy.

Here are some seriously fucking awesome lyrics for you to compare:

Eyes of Heaven's reign
Rise of the pageant
Sense the mortal truth
Reach eternal life, through Osiris' eyes

Immortal empire of this land
Deceived by own men's hands
Gods of supremacy race
Claimed the throne again

That's fucking awesome. It's fiction, nothing less or more.

It's fiction because it has the word Heaven in it's first row. And of course Heaven is fictional, as depicted in the most deadly, most ominous, boring yet inspiring fictional writing yet. The Holy Bible.

But we'll leave religion for another time, and focus on something close... magic.

There's no magic... there's no fucking magic in real life. Seriously, I sincerely wish it was possible for me to go around casting Fireball at people but... it doesn't work. And I've tried it. At many moments in my life (just as in yours, if you're a no-life like me), I found myself staring at coffee cup or something, concentrating intensely, thinking... "I'm going to lift this coffee cup with my mind."

And for a second there, I am convinced it's going to work. How awesome would that be? I start daydreaming about what would happen if I did manage to lift the coffee mug. Suddenly I would be famous... physicists would be stunned, doctors would study me, I'd be all over the news, magic would be real, and I could go around casting Bigby's Crushing Hand at people.

But then my dreams are shattered. The coffee mug just sits there doing nothing.

That's because there is no fucking magic. And because of this, there are no curses, and chain letters don't work, and homeopathy doesn't work, and there are no ghosts, there are no spirits or wraiths or demons or apparitions, dowsing doesn't work, acupuncture doesn't work, Ninja's can't throw blue balls of energy and David Blaine can't really levitate. And we're stuck with daily trivial shit. I fucking hate this planet.

As a kid, my parents told me that blue eyed, Eastern European old hags have the ability to cast evil eye on you and make bad stuff happen to you. I was scared shitless. And they said the only way to prevent it is to cast a counter spell. You know what that counter spell is?

Well there are a number of variants:

1) Scratching your ballsack.
2) Saying "I'm wondering about your ass."
3) Wearing your underwear on backwards.

And from the moment I heard about this evil eye shit, every time I saw some blue eyes old woman looking at me, I went "I'M WONDERING ABOUT YOUR ASS!!!".

But then it hit me. There's no such thing as evil eye. Why? No hags...

There are no Eastern European old women living in cottages in the forest that have a boiling pot of magical potion in the middle of their living room. Old women are smelly and move slowly. A lot of them develop Alzheimer's or Parkinson's or other debilitating stuff, so they can't even think straight. There's no way an old woman that has a movement speed of 2 ft/round, with an almost nonexistent concentration skill could possibly cast a spell on me. So now I don't say "I"M WONDERING ABOUT YOUR ASS!!!" anymore. And now people won't think I have Tourette Syndrome.

Here's more stupid bullcrap.

There's a mass e-mail circulating around that says that on some date Mars will be viewable in the night sky, and it will appear as big as the moon.

WHAT?

WTF THAT'S FUCKIGN AEWESOMEE!!!111

This is what I thought when I heard this e-mail like 7 years ago, and I had no idea that if Mars appeared as big as the moon, it would probably flood the Earth, kill billions of people with Earthquakes and turn your ass inside out with it's gravitational pull (that's anal prolapse, bitches).

Also, the message always states that this is a one in a lifetime event, a MUST see. Yet the e-mail reappears every year. More crap.

You know what I hate most about this mass e-mail? It causes mass bullshit. Everyone will say "OMG I SAW MARS IT WAS AS BIG AS THE MOON", because they don't want to look like idiots because they didn't see it. And everyone else will say the same thing because no one wants to look like an idiot, and so everyone says they're seeing a big honkin' Mars.

THAT IS CODSWALLOP.

There's no moon-mars, no magic, no evil eye, music sucks ass, you can't feel through stones, your girlfriend is not an ecologist, the Sun doesn't go down and taxi drivers talk too much.

See ya.

Sick!

Hello guys, this is Henry again.

I am sick now. I'm sitting in my front of my monitor surrounded by countless, unending pills and sprays and applicators and other sinister devices, and I find myself thinking to myself... this sucks ass.

Have you ever said to yourself "gee I hope I don't have a tumor on my spine..."? No? Well it's something that crosses my mind daily. I am what you would call a hypochondriac.

Slight stinging pain in my right leg? Obviously has to be an infarction.
Slight cramp in my left arm? HEART ATTACK.
And constantly, even when contemplating my future, my hopes for a wonderful existence get smashed by the presence of thoughts like "Wow this is going to be great... I just hope I won't need a massive hip replacement". Cause hip replacements aren't that great. Nobody wants a hip replacement, right? Well neither do I, but the possibility of a major accident and multiple fractures just won't stop bugging me.

You know what is ironic? I don't think I've ever had anything more serious than a cold. At the same time, I know that my entire system is slowly shutting down, my balls are probably atrophying right now due to varicocele, I'm slowly developing M.S. and I have an undiagnosed neuropathy or neurofibromatosis. Let me tell you something, you are never, ever safe. Stop worrying about stupid shit like serial killers and hurricanes, your body is killing you right now. You are dying, as we speak. There's nothing else you can do, actually. What is at the end of this potentially short journey on Earth? Death... so if that's what you're heading for, than you are dying right now. But really death should be the least of your concerns. There are tons of nastier stuff than eternal painlessness and freedom from bullshit.

Take ALS for example. That's amytrophic lateral sclerosis. It's the kind of disease that slowly takes away your ability to move anything but your eyes, until you are a fragile existence, stuck inside the prison of your own body, with no way to communicate or scream, or ask people to kill you. And people won't kill you. Why would they? And you would be silently screaming for it. Forever... and ever... ever.

But hey, there are beautiful things in life. Like love!

Here's one word that sums up how beautiful love is:

Syphilis.

It's probably not as nasty as ALS, but still enough to turn physical love into lifelong torture. At least for syphilis there's a cure. A penicillin injection. OUCH.

And here's a few more concepts that probably never crossed your mind if you're a layman:

Chest-tube. It's a tube that they stab into your chest if you have a collapsed lung, while you're still breathing and trying to scream. And this happens often.

Testicular Torsion. You're playing football, the ball hits you in the crotch, you're okay for 20 seconds and then you realize that something's wrong, as you scream in horrible pain. In a little while the doctors are going to cut one of your balls off.

Being impaled through the abdomen by a huge metal spike. Let's say you're playing football, and all of a sudden you get impaled through the abdomen by a huge metal spike. You will probably try to take it out of your distorted, bloody torso while your team members watch in horror, but when you take it out, all of a sudden, your liver, small and large intestines and other internal organs spew out. At this point you will probably try to put them back in but that's no good, all the blood vessels get twisted around, and your stomach gets strangulated by your large intestine, which also begins farting loudly and everyone starts laughing at you for farting. Also your aorta suddenly explodes and you get blood in your eyes. You know how it takes like a minute to stop rubbing your eyes after a liquid gets in there? UGH.

Choke to death. You are eating some olives or something, and one of the olives gets stuck in your neck. A daily occurence right? WRONG. This particular olive has a particularly pointy kernel, and suddenly, as your esophagus contracts, the kernel stabs you in the neck... from the inside out. Now someone at the table tries to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you, but it only makes it worse, now the kernel with part of the olive still attached escapes into the space between your lungs. The kernel travels down to your bladder, and stabs you in it, and suddenly you have peritonitis and other shit. Also, the kernel manages to get into your bladder, and somehow it travels UP one of your ureters, and causes a renal colic, and now you have to be on a low protein diet for the rest of your life. Oh, and also you die lol.

These are the things I think about when I'm bored and BSG isn't on.

A while ago, I thought about enrolling to ALCOR, to be frozen if I get close to death. But then I realized that I fucking hate ice, it's too slippery.

And seriously, there's a next to zero (that's really fucking close to nothing) chance that I might ever be revived again, and I will exist as frozen meat for the rest of all human existence. While everyone else is either cremated or buried and then decomposed by bacteria, I just sit there doing nothing and taking up space on this planet that will probably be super populated by then anyway. It'll probably be so super populated that many people will be stuck crowd surfing all their lives, and then people will have to carry around a crowd-surfing frozen meat thing. Of course it's not dead yet, so respect still applies, you know how they say braindead people can still recognize familiar voices. I'm not sure how well sound moves through ice though, it might end up being pretty muffled and I hate muffled sound. I want nice, cutting mids and screeching highs in my audio, thank you.

Fuck ice. It completely ruins audio fidelity, and it keeps people alive for centuries taking up space.

OH SHIT I think I'm having a subdural hemorrhage, accompanied by extreme pain and loss of vision on one side, and also I just lost a super awesome hard-on I had. Time to go to the doc.

See ya.

We want more lava pits...

Hello World,

This is Henry Gale from Minnesota, and I've decided to get people to realize that there aren't enough fucking lava pits. And I think that sucks, I think we should build some damned lava pits here and there so that idiot assholes can drop into them now and again. I mean when you play some video game there's usually tons of pits of boiling, steaming, killer lava that will end you instantly when you fall into them, and that's great, I mean it's really good for diversity. You walk down the street let's say, you see Starbucks, McDonalds at every corner, banks, shops...

BUT WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE LAVA PITS?

I think it's time to make a petition. I think it's time to tell the god damn government that we want lava pits right now, because lava pits are fucking awesome. Think of how much shit lava pits would solve. Capital punishment... lethal injection, electrocution? FUCK THAT throw 'em in the lava pits. That'll teach them to mess with people who build pits of molten metal. Cause people who built lava pits are undeniably fucking awesome. Heating your house? You got flowing lava around everywhere, no more need for central heating.

So now you see why we need lava pits. Our society is going to hell and if you ask me we really need a good, new, fun pastime like trying to jump over lava pits without falling into them. Obviously, falling into them is deadly, but hey, less fucktards!

And you know what else?

Rivers of acid... rivers of nice, fatal acid flowing around. You don't see that in real life, that's why I trust video game producers more than real city planners because they know how to set up a good lava pit or acid river. And furthermore it would be a good defense against terrorist cells in our country, they'll be getting the fuck out of here screaming "Shit these guys got lava pits, I'm outta' here". Go back to your sand caves you god damn pussies... don't mess with lava.

Of course lava pits have a bad side to them... I mean besides the killing and the burning there will be tons of idiots suddenly going "Hey that's not lava, that's magma!".

FUCK YOU IT'S LAVA!!11

There's no such thing as magma pits, it has to be lava. Magma sucks ass, it's all crusty and not fluid enough to melt people instantly while they scream in pain. Magma is for pussies who can't stand having their organs melted by searing high temperatures.

Actually, you know what would be fucking awesome? A whole city built over a pit of lava. Man that would be sweet! That would be really seriously uber awesome. Maybe with some anti-gravity mechanism under it to keep it floating over an endless sea of lava. And plasma... yeah plasma. OMG.

So this is what I think America should be focusing on. We'll worry about education and the poor later, build more lava pits! I mean that shouldn't be a problem there's lava everywhere. Build some god damn lava extractors, carry it around in huge tankers... lava tankers omg. I want to be driving and suddenly go "Wow look Danny a fuckin' lava tanker! Now we're gonna have some fun around here!"

Tear down parks and stupid golf courses and lay down some lava.

That's what I hope the future has in store for humanity, and only if we work together as a species will we ever have lava pits...

Henry Gale signing out.