Stupid bullcrap.

Hello again,

This is Henry Gale from Minnesota, and I just woke up feeling even more pissed off at the human race than usual.
Today we are going to talk about music, magic and stupid bullcrap. This morning I woke up, got on a cab to an undisclosed place, and then immediately took the same cab back home. Why? So that I could hear the idiotic music the driver puts on and also indulge myself in more trivial crap that he babbles on about. Every single day I go to this undisclosed place. Every single day at 8:00, I get up, I fill up my suitcase with stuff and I take a cab.

And they always put on music on the radio. Here's something that was playing on the radio this morning. It went something like this:

"I like the way you move/when the Sun goes down."

And I was instantly like WTF.

I thought to myself, this sentence is incorrect. First of all, the whole song relies on an external presence that is referred to in 2nd person. This presence that is derivative of the lyrical self is not presented specifically as dynamic, moving. Yet this stereotypical Jamaican wannabe still says that she moves. Now how am I supposed to know that? Am I supposed to trust some random, strange Jamaican? No thank you. Until I see a specific lyric provided by the author that states that the person is moving, I will consider it to be in a neutral state. Neither moving nor stationary. It could be either way, in some universes she (or he?) is moving, in others this person is stationary.

Second of all, this hypothetical, potential movement is not given any parameters. We do not know in what direction and at what speed the movement is occurring. I am led to believe that as soon as the Sun goes down, this man's girlfriend begins to shake uncontrollably in all directions, slowly splitting apart and showering him with internal organs and blood.

Also...

The song depicts the Sun as going down. Bullshit, the sun doesn't go down, it stays put. It's the Earth that is moving around the Sun. It's you that's going down bitch. In fact, you're not going down at all, you are orbiting on an elliptical path.

Now it's this kind of song that lowers everyone's IQ and makes people believe that the Sun is going down.

Here's more crap:

i feel you...
in every stone
in every leaf of every tree
you've ever grown

Now, first of all, I just copied these from a lyrics site. Notice how crappy it is written, with no capital letters and no punctuation aside from the stereotypical ... that people type when they want to express teenage angst.

Now... let's start the analysis. First of all, the word "to feel" is ambiguous. Is this a tactile sensation? If so, how is it possible for someone to feel something in a stone, let alone in every single stone on the planet? Do you even know how many stones there are on the planet? Lots of fucking stones. And what stones? Are we talking metamorphic, volcanic or sedimentary? Because they have different properties and they would most likely transmit this "feeling" differently. Somehow, this leads me to believe that the lyrical self is tripping on acid, because sometimes acid makes you feel like you are one with other objects, or in this case, rocks.

And wtf with the last two lyrics. Every leaf of every tree you've ever grown? Then we are led to believe that the loved on in this song is an ecologist, planting trees? Is this song an ecological statement hidden beneath crappy lyrics? Hmm... maybe if I get someone to plant trees, then I too will feel shit through stones. That would be fucking trippy.

Here are some seriously fucking awesome lyrics for you to compare:

Eyes of Heaven's reign
Rise of the pageant
Sense the mortal truth
Reach eternal life, through Osiris' eyes

Immortal empire of this land
Deceived by own men's hands
Gods of supremacy race
Claimed the throne again

That's fucking awesome. It's fiction, nothing less or more.

It's fiction because it has the word Heaven in it's first row. And of course Heaven is fictional, as depicted in the most deadly, most ominous, boring yet inspiring fictional writing yet. The Holy Bible.

But we'll leave religion for another time, and focus on something close... magic.

There's no magic... there's no fucking magic in real life. Seriously, I sincerely wish it was possible for me to go around casting Fireball at people but... it doesn't work. And I've tried it. At many moments in my life (just as in yours, if you're a no-life like me), I found myself staring at coffee cup or something, concentrating intensely, thinking... "I'm going to lift this coffee cup with my mind."

And for a second there, I am convinced it's going to work. How awesome would that be? I start daydreaming about what would happen if I did manage to lift the coffee mug. Suddenly I would be famous... physicists would be stunned, doctors would study me, I'd be all over the news, magic would be real, and I could go around casting Bigby's Crushing Hand at people.

But then my dreams are shattered. The coffee mug just sits there doing nothing.

That's because there is no fucking magic. And because of this, there are no curses, and chain letters don't work, and homeopathy doesn't work, and there are no ghosts, there are no spirits or wraiths or demons or apparitions, dowsing doesn't work, acupuncture doesn't work, Ninja's can't throw blue balls of energy and David Blaine can't really levitate. And we're stuck with daily trivial shit. I fucking hate this planet.

As a kid, my parents told me that blue eyed, Eastern European old hags have the ability to cast evil eye on you and make bad stuff happen to you. I was scared shitless. And they said the only way to prevent it is to cast a counter spell. You know what that counter spell is?

Well there are a number of variants:

1) Scratching your ballsack.
2) Saying "I'm wondering about your ass."
3) Wearing your underwear on backwards.

And from the moment I heard about this evil eye shit, every time I saw some blue eyes old woman looking at me, I went "I'M WONDERING ABOUT YOUR ASS!!!".

But then it hit me. There's no such thing as evil eye. Why? No hags...

There are no Eastern European old women living in cottages in the forest that have a boiling pot of magical potion in the middle of their living room. Old women are smelly and move slowly. A lot of them develop Alzheimer's or Parkinson's or other debilitating stuff, so they can't even think straight. There's no way an old woman that has a movement speed of 2 ft/round, with an almost nonexistent concentration skill could possibly cast a spell on me. So now I don't say "I"M WONDERING ABOUT YOUR ASS!!!" anymore. And now people won't think I have Tourette Syndrome.

Here's more stupid bullcrap.

There's a mass e-mail circulating around that says that on some date Mars will be viewable in the night sky, and it will appear as big as the moon.

WHAT?

WTF THAT'S FUCKIGN AEWESOMEE!!!111

This is what I thought when I heard this e-mail like 7 years ago, and I had no idea that if Mars appeared as big as the moon, it would probably flood the Earth, kill billions of people with Earthquakes and turn your ass inside out with it's gravitational pull (that's anal prolapse, bitches).

Also, the message always states that this is a one in a lifetime event, a MUST see. Yet the e-mail reappears every year. More crap.

You know what I hate most about this mass e-mail? It causes mass bullshit. Everyone will say "OMG I SAW MARS IT WAS AS BIG AS THE MOON", because they don't want to look like idiots because they didn't see it. And everyone else will say the same thing because no one wants to look like an idiot, and so everyone says they're seeing a big honkin' Mars.

THAT IS CODSWALLOP.

There's no moon-mars, no magic, no evil eye, music sucks ass, you can't feel through stones, your girlfriend is not an ecologist, the Sun doesn't go down and taxi drivers talk too much.

See ya.