Oh crap.

Hey, time for another hypochondriac post!

So I was just lying down in my bed, doing really awesome stuff, earlier. Then I got a slight cramp. Immediately the words COLON CANCER came to mind. As usual, I began to obsess.

"Oh man what do I do, what if I have cancer? I'll die! No... they have treatments! But surgery? SHIT. Why can't I just go on doing my usual stuff instead of having surgery? WHY WHY!?!"

Obviously, I left a dump and it went away. So... I don't have cancer. But who knows what I might have! I could be coming down with Addison's or something. You can get a sore throat, go "pff who cares it's just a sore throat". So it goes away. Then after a few months you get joint pain, your heart starts to sting, and other crazy shit, and all of a sudden you're getting penicillin injections and doctors telling you they have to perforate your ass with painful, barely viscous drugs to "sort of treat" your Rheumatic Fever that will probably reduce your life expectancy by 30 years.

Sore throat eh? Go to a fucking doctor.

What if you go about your daily stuff and suddenly a fucking bird flies right into your head, stabbing you in your frontal lobe with it's beak. You struggle to get the nasty thing out, but it's too late you start to lose your consciousness. Your brain begins to fuck up, because it has this beak stuck in it. You try to say "omfg there's a bird in my head", but you can't, the words come up all scrambled, and now you have aphasia. Then someone tries to take it out, but germs get in and you get meningitis. Obviously, now they have to do an LP. That's when they stick a huge needle into your spine, that not only hurts like hell, but leaves you basically paralyzed by headaches for a week, and might leave you with arachnoiditis (shit, blogger's spelling check is not even recognizing that one), in pain for the rest of your life. And you can't talk, and tell anyone that it hurts, so now no one knows you have arachnoiditis. All from a fucking bird.

I'm never going out again.

And usually I think of the worst things that could possibly happen.

Let's say... you're just idly lying in your bed... browsing, on your laptop. Nothing can hurt you right? WRONG! Suddenly there's a fucking tornado forming right on top of you. Everyone says OMG RUN IT's A TORNADO!!! And you run, to get down to your tornado shelter, but you realize you don't have one because you live in a small eastern European country that doesn't have tornadoes so no one gave a fuck. So what do you do? You hide in the tub. But of course tornado's aren't afraid of tubs, and you get sucked up, and when you finally land you land right on a fucking fence, and you get impaled through the neck. Now you're bleeding out of your jugular vein, and are hoping to die already. But noooo... suddenly, the tornado hits some kind of particle accelerator lab, and it forms a space time tear, that takes you outside of time and space and you suffer for what appears like an eternity, but are eventually sucked out again. But by now, the world has been invaded by the Combine and Gordon Freeman accidentally hits you with his crowbar, and can't say "sorry" because he doesn't talk, and now you feel offended. Now you are bleeding out of your neck and are also offended. So you kill the bastard, steal his HEV suit and use it to patch up your wound. Now the Combine's after you cause they think you're Gordon Freeman, and you run, but obviously you're not Gordon and you suck ass, so they catch you and turn you into a trans-human.

So no, you are not safe in your own home.

You are not fucking safe. You should always be VIGILENT. You never know when your laptop battery will explode and drive pieces of plastic into your eyes, making you blind, but also causing an infection that spreads to your brain and slowly kills you as you pathetically lose all cognitive and motor functions, while losing control of your shitting and pissing.

Now you wish you didn't even exist, eh?

Sorry, you do. And you're fucked. Sooner or later something nasty is going to happen. Remember me when you're trying to get your mangled, bloody half-body out from beneath a 60's style, really heavy fridge.

Bye.